Bye bye Baby

Greetings my average reader! (whomever you may be!)

Let me tell you a little about me. I write about so many various things and I tend to avoid the issues that occupy my mind daily. My mind has been most occupied indeed. I had a modest childhood and was given the very essentials of a regular upbringing. I have siblings in abundance and a mother that loves me. Even thou my siblings and I disagree on a lot of things, I still love them, it goes without saying.

I am finding it hard to put my thoughts into words since I’ve always felt that opinions are presented to be exposed and criticized by the masses, feelings are however a more tender issue. They are hard to sort out and even harder to understand if you are not the person with those said feelings. I feel a lot of things I cannot express and when I do, it’s always at the wrong place in the wrong time to the wrong people. I am sure many of you have felt this before. This Sunday night I had my second miscarriage. I am not informing you about this for the sympathy, but to explain something about myself.

Was I sad? Yes I was, very sad. It passed thou, like most saddening events in our lives do. You have to understand that getting pregnant to me at all is a victory in itself. Because for a decade I’ve been trying and failed miserably every time. I don’t despair. I rejoice at the fact that I had a little visit and will eventually be able to carry it to full term. This also doesn’t sadden me as much simply because there are so many other terrible things that are even worse. Some “things” that just refuse to go away, primarily my homesickness.

I came to America several years ago an I’ve tried desperately to fit in in every way possible. Every day I look outside and I still feel as if I am asleep. I’ve moved from one place to the other in hope to find a little bit of home. Some places are better then others but in the grand scheme of things, it is pretty much the same. To understand how different it is in compare to the place I came from. Try to fathom the term Socialistic capitalism ( Basically a socialistic base with the possibility of personal capitalism). There are certain freedoms here that I cannot have and certain advantages you will get only if you make a certain amount of income. I am used to that everyone starts on equal ground and the work your way up. You always have the basic needs covered. The tools are available to all but it’s up to you to make something better out of yourself. I never understood how rare that concept is.

I am honestly to the point where I cannot stand to put on the TV. The pie tossing and smut campaigning amongst politician, the lies and the crimes that go unpunished. No consequences, no liability. The atmosphere is changing and it’s changing fast. Buying a politician is common place here. They later vote based on their benefactors, not in the interest of the people. Based on my own experience, I feel like an unwelcome guest. I have friends that made things a lot easier and I am so grateful to them. Bottom line, I miss my family. I miss having a family. These two times I had a miscarriage I’ve gotten barely any help from the system. Even less so the second time, I wasn’t even offered any painkillers and had to go through the entire process on Advil only. For you who have gone through a painful miscarriage you will know how much it hurts physically. If my situation was different maybe I would have, however the thought of the fact that the more money you make, the better help you get, is a terrible concept that I cannot stand. That there are more woman like me out there going through the same thing for no decent reason. Healthcare shouldn’t be a material thing that you purchase just because you can afford it, it should be a human right and every bit as available as from the single hardworking mother to the lazy woman who was born into money. It cannot be compared as having a nicer TV then someone who doesn’t work as hard nor can it be limited by the size of ones wallet.

I direct you to the Universal  UN definition of human rights! Especially article 25:

Article 25.

• (1) Everyone has the right to a standard of living adequate for the health and well-being of himself and of his family, including food, clothing, housing and medical care and necessary social services, and the right to security in the event of unemployment, sickness, disability, widowhood, old age or other lack of livelihood in circumstances beyond his control.
• (2) Motherhood and childhood are entitled to special care and assistance. All children, whether born in or out of wedlock, shall enjoy the same social protection.

My mother came to Sweden as an immigrant and she worked very hard for everything she has. Her house, her car, her weird dog etc. However, she never had to worry about daycare, school, medical expenses and all those things that are a daily headache here. I am sure that it is probably something people are used to and accepted the fact that it’s the way it is and make the most of it. I am not used to it, I don’t think I cannot get used to the concept. Loosing yet another baby and having zero help is disheartening. Sure, success is based on hard work, however it is also presented by opportunities. Opportunities that you acquire by making connections. But if your parents can only afford a non expensive college, assuming they can help out at all, then you wont acquire those opportunities that the wealthier people have access to. In a system that offers only the best not to the brightest, but to the ones who can afford it, then there are no equal opportunity for all. This is not the land of opportunities, it is the land of opportunities for those who can afford it! Some can work very hard and be very intelligent, but wont come further because of their wallets.

I have also been dealing with homesickness for so long. I thought it would get better and pass in time, but it hasn’t and it’s only gotten worse.

I have an opportunity waiting for me to be reunited with my family and reconnected with a system I felt a lot safer with. Yet I struggled making that decision. When I lost my second baby Sunday night, the decision was made for me. I cannot continue on like this, I will need help and I cannot get it here. The only thing now is to figure out how, when and where. We are currently working on the how so we can figure out the when and eventually where will fall into place.

The only thing I will miss, are my friends. I will make it a point to visit often.